The rest of the fucking website

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Skylar Hill 2023-12-19 19:17:35 -06:00
parent bc4f666751
commit 363b2168ef
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<!DOCTYPE html>
<html class="mocha">
<head>
<link rel="stylesheet" href="/assets/tachyons.min.css"/>
<link rel="stylesheet" href="/assets/icons.min.css"/>
<script src="/assets/scripts.js"></script>
<script src="/assets/htmx.min.js"></script>
<title>Skylark HQ</title>
</head>
<body hx-get="/template.html" hx-trigger="load"
hx-on::load="if (event.detail.elt == this) readTheme()"
hx-on::after-swap="if (event.detail.elt == this) loadContent()"
hx-on::after-settle="if (event.detail.elt == this) htmx.trigger('#main', 'gimmeContent')">
</body>
</html>
<div id="content" hx-boost="true" hx-target="#main" hx-select="#content">
<h1 class="f3 mt0">Posts</h1>
<ul>
<li>
<a href="/posts/on-self-evaluation.html" class="text">On Self Evaluation</a>
</li>
</ul>
</div>

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<!DOCTYPE html>
<html class="mocha">
<head>
<link rel="stylesheet" href="/assets/tachyons.min.css"/>
<link rel="stylesheet" href="/assets/icons.min.css"/>
<script src="/assets/scripts.js"></script>
<script src="/assets/htmx.min.js"></script>
<title>Skylark HQ</title>
</head>
<body hx-get="/template.html" hx-trigger="load"
hx-on::load="if (event.detail.elt == this) readTheme()"
hx-on::after-swap="if (event.detail.elt == this) loadContent()"
hx-on::after-settle="if (event.detail.elt == this) htmx.trigger('#main', 'gimmeContent')">
</body>
</html>
<div id="content">
<h1 class="f3 mt0">Welcome!</h1>
<p>
Hiya! I'm Skylar, also known by my stage name Alauda Stellaris, also
known as StellarSkylark on most social media. I'm a transgender woman,
a programmer, composer, and songwriter! This is a place where I can
compile and share my creative output.
</p>
<p>
Content on this site is licensed under the <a class="blue dim" href="https://thufie.lain.haus/NPL.html">CNPLv7+</a>
unless otherwise specified.
</p>
<p>
This website stores exactly one cookie, to remember whether you selected dark mode or light mode.
</p>
<h2 class="f4">Webrings, etc</h2>
<section class="tc">
<a class="icon-long-arrow-left text dim no-underline pa1" href="https://gwenpri.me/"></a>
<span class="b">Hacker Girls</span>
<a class="icon-long-arrow-right text dim no-underline pa1" href="https://nora.codes/"></a>
</section>
</div>

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<!DOCTYPE html>
<html class="mocha">
<head>
<link rel="stylesheet" href="./assets/tachyons.min.css"/>
<link rel="stylesheet" href="./assets/fontawesome.min.css"/>
<link rel="stylesheet" href="./assets/brands.min.css"/>
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<script>
function toggleTheme() {
if (document.documentElement.getAttribute("class") == "mocha")
document.documentElement.setAttribute("class", "latte");
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}
</script>
<link rel="stylesheet" href="/assets/tachyons.min.css"/>
<link rel="stylesheet" href="/assets/icons.min.css"/>
<script src="/assets/scripts.js"></script>
<script src="/assets/htmx.min.js"></script>
<title>Skylark HQ</title>
</head>
<body class="bg-crust text flex justify-center pa3">
<section class="bg-base w-80 pa3">
Heyo.
<a onClick="toggleTheme()" class="link grow pa1 dib">
<i class="fa-solid fa-circle-half-stroke"></i>
</a>
</section>
<body hx-get="/template.html" hx-trigger="load"
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</html>

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<!DOCTYPE html>
<html class="mocha">
<head>
<link rel="stylesheet" href="/assets/tachyons.min.css"/>
<link rel="stylesheet" href="/assets/icons.min.css"/>
<script src="/assets/scripts.js"></script>
<script src="/assets/htmx.min.js"></script>
<title>Skylark HQ</title>
</head>
<body hx-get="/template.html" hx-trigger="load"
hx-on::load="if (event.detail.elt == this) readTheme()"
hx-on::after-swap="if (event.detail.elt == this) loadContent()"
hx-on::after-settle="if (event.detail.elt == this) htmx.trigger('#main', 'gimmeContent')">
</body>
</html>
<div id="content">
<h1 class="f3 mt0">On Self Evaluation</h1>
<p>
CW religion, religious trauma, self-harm
</p>
<p>
One of the worst things Evangelical Christianity ever did to me was rob
me of the confidence to determine my own moral value. I was taught, as
an explicit article of faith, that I simply did not have the ability to
accurately judge my own value. Only God could do that. And, of course, since
Gods explicit judgement wasnt going to come any time soon, I had to rely
on the evaluation of others who were considered “godly.” The result is that
I became entirely dependent on other peoples praise in order to feel worthy
of my own existence, and came to powerfully fear learning that I had made a
moral error.
</p>
<p>
Making a technical mistake is one thing, thats just part of the process
of learning and growing and finding the best solutions. Its moral failure
that affects me like this. Combine an external locus of self-esteem with an
encouraged fear of damnation, and you create a girl who breaks down any time
she learns shes accidentally harmed someone, or made them uncomfortable, or
crossed a boundary she was unaware of, or simply acted carelessly out of an
abundance of autism. These things dont happen all that often, but when they
do they are devastating to my opinion of myself.
</p>
<p>
And its not simply a feeling of guilt, or wanting to do better, its a fear
that by making a mistake I have lost my right to exist, an unconscious core
belief that I deserve eternal torment for my error. When I was small, I used
to punch myself in the head as hard as I could any time I made a mistake,
because I felt that I deserved punishment for it. My parents, bless them,
convinced me to stop doing that, and I am grateful for it. It might have
evolved into worse forms of self-harm later on if left unchecked.
</p>
<p>
But I have probably replaced literally smacking myself in the head with
mental self-flagellation. I practically dive right down into a depressive
spiral when something like this happens, because I feel like I deserve to
be miserable, like I am no longer allowed to be happy. And I feel that I am
so utterly disgusting and poisonous and awful that I need to be quarantined
from the rest of society, for their own good. So I shut myself off from
people and avoid seeking help dealing with my emotions. And I can never
reveal the details of my mistake to anyone I do end up talking to; what if
they lose faith in me, too?
</p>
<p>
And so lately I have been working on learning to understand that while other
people can judge the effects of my actions, set boundaries, and etc., they
have no right whatsoever to judge my moral value for taking those actions.
I, and I alone, know what was going on in my head when I did something.
Which means, in the absence of an omnipotent god, I am the only being in the
universe even remotely competent to judge whether my actions make me a bad
person. This isnt about rejecting criticism, mind; when someone says “hey,
this thing you did bothered me” I want to take that seriously! But I dont
want it to cause me to doubt whether I deserve to exist. So I need to move
control of the feeling of having value away from an imagined (and extremely
stern and cruel) omnipotent, perfect being and toward myself, seeking to
grow but having compassion for where I am now. Ive been told that some
people have that as their mental image of God. That god sounds much nicer
than the one I had. But all I have for that is myself. And myself, at the
moment, still imagines that cruel god judging me unworthy.
</p>
</div>

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<!DOCTYPE html>
<div class="bg-crust text athelas min-vh-100 h-100">
<header class="pv3 ph7-ns ph3 flex justify-between"
hx-boost="true" hx-target="#main" hx-select="#content">
<a href="/home.html" class="text no-underline dim pointer f3 b">
Skylark HQ
</a>
<a onClick="toggleTheme()" class="dim pointer pa1 dib f3">
<i class="icon-brightness-contrast"></i>
</a>
</header>
<nav hx-boost="true" hx-target="#main" hx-select="#content"
class="pa5 pt0 pb2 ph7-ns ph3 flex justify-around">
<a href="/blog.html" class="bg-green f4 pa2 br3 base no-underline dim">Blog</a>
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<section class="ph7-ns ph3 pt0 f5 flex flex-wrap lh-copy">
<article class="w-60-ns w-100 bg-base pa2 mb2" hx-trigger="gimmeContent" hx-select="#content" id="main">
</article>
<aside class="w-30-ns w-100 ph2">
<h1 class="f4 pt0 mt0">Skylar Hill</h1>
The gayest trans girl this side of the wet rock.
<nav class="flex flex-wrap mt2">
<a class="icon-pen sky dim no-underline pa1" href="https://solarpunk.moe/@stellarskylark"></a>
<a class="icon-git peach dim no-underline pa1" href="https://git.solarpunk.moe/stellarskylark"></a>
<a class="icon-music mauve dim no-underline pa1" href="https://alaudastellaris.bandcamp.com"></a>
<a class="icon-gamepad rosewater dim no-underline pa1" href="https://stellarskylark.itch.io/"></a>
<a class="icon-youtube red dim no-underline pa1" href="https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCZOkS1eU9NAnefCCshgNtdA"></a>
</nav>
</aside>
</section>
<footer class="ph3 ph7-ns pv3">
Made with <a class="blue dim" href="http://tachyons.io">Tachyons</a> and <a class="blue dim" href="https://htmx.org/">htmx</a>.
Powered by homosexuality.
</footer>
</div>

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